When Hell Gets Nervous...

It's Friday 21st February, 2025 and I have been crying non-stop whole morning! The reasons varied but it started with a statement that triggered a feeling that took me back to a place in my younger years where safety - emotional safety felt like an illusion. Growing up I had people tell me that I liked to argue but I couldn't understand what it was about me that gave them that impression...so I searched myself - was it because I had strong views, or knew how to explain a point well, or stood up for myself and others? Was it because I was not conflict avoidant or understood that some disagreements are necessary? I couldn't figure it out so I internalized it and became insecure about what I had to say. This led to me speaking up less; for myself and others. This led to me not answering questions or asking many for that matter. This led to me second guessing the value of my words...CONSTANTLY!

Little did I know that there was something in me that MADE HELL NERVOUS...Yet, Abba knew, for He knew me better! This is partly how I became a writer. I would write my thoughts down; thoughts I believed no one was interested in hearing. Every time I would be silenced with the phrase "you could argue eh" or anything bearing the same weight I would write - pour myself out on the page and poetry became my new name. This is where I was safe! On the date mentioned I was told that I was sounding like I am arguing whilst simply explaining something and I teleported right back to little girl V. I felt myself begin to spiral as the tears flowed uncontrollably. Firstly because I knew this was not me, secondly because the weight of the standard of perfection that others kept putting on me was ever so heavy and thirdly because I knew the stench of the enemy and it was in this space. Still, I couldn't stop myself from believing for a brief moment that I had not changed.

Thus, my response was fleshly, rooted in nothing godly so I knew it was not me. My response was not to pray, rebuke etc it was to defend myself, to plead my case to ears that couldn't hear and so the tears wouldn't stop flow and this too was familiar. I cried tears like that when I was bound with anxiety and it would consume me to the point I'd shut down and shut the world off. Soon enough there was a voice telling me to switch off my phone, blow off work and stay in bed. I remembered this voice, I knew this comfort so I started to type a status stating that I would be offline until further notice but something stopped me and in that moment I disappointed the enemy. In that moment I remembered that I was new...that this V no longer submitted to the voice of foes fighting for fame. For I was KINGDOM STAINED!!!

...Now, I can't get into the seasons I've been through but it led me to purchase a picture that says "Just Breathe" in blue with pretty butterflies about it and I can't explain it but it's like I knew this picture would be used to save me in the future. I deliberately placed this by my bed and it was this that helped center me. And I know this may not make sense to many but mental and emotional torment were the ways in which the enemy would deceive me and years after leaving him to serve the Kingdom of Heaven, to submit to Yahweh, he (devil) is still bitter about it and using his same old tricks. Not even an hour after a corporate morning devotion with my women's community (While We Wait) that I led and here the enemy was - in my face breathing his bad breath at me.

I mean he's been coming since the year started but week by week he has been up-ing his game. This day it felt like he was coming with everything. Another kicker - this was a day we were fasting as a community. But let me tell you how great my God is and why I am so grateful for community. I was talking to one of my ladies same time and this mighty woman of God started to speak life into me and remind me of who I am in God's Kingdom and who I was called to be. This helped further anchor me...and soon enough tears of grief became tears of victory. Listen the enemy knows what seasons you are in, he knows when his time is ending, he knows when the strongholds are losing their holds on you, he knows when God is about to bless you, he knows when you're close to receiving that promised thing. Lock in! Tap in! Lean in! That thing is not accidental or coincidental...that falling out, breakdown, reappearance of something (behaviour, mannerism, trait) you've killed is not random.

In fact, it is strategic and it is meant to throw you down and keep you there. I almost fell down that day - I would have gotten back up but what would the consequence of that delay have been? The consequence of that shift could have been detrimental. So, I stress on the importance of having strong Godfearing warriors in your circle/community because some battles are so unsuspecting that you're going to need someone external to help revive you...and when you get back up don't slow down any for this is a sign, a confirmation even that you are making hell nervous...

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